Entry 10 - Where Are You Anchored?

The Social Judgement Theory looks into how one is able to have their perception of an idea moved by comparing it with current attitudes. 

Social Judgement is often metaphorized as an anchor. You have your view anchored on one side, and it is gradual process to move it to the other side. Just like an anchor is heavy, our biases prevent us from jumping from one extreme to another. This is a powerful tool in persuasion.

In the first frame of the above comic strip, Bill Waterson's Calvin has already made up his mind that he does not like the dish in front of his nose. His father tries to push him into the opposite perspective - "You'll love it"- and Calvin vehemently resists. Calvin is grounded in the idea that the food will be disgusting and, possibly, poisonous.

However, I recall another Calvin dinner comic, the only one where Calvin eats his mystery meal. His father tries to find a common ground with him. Calvin loves monsters so his father convinces him that if he eats the food, he will mutate into something cool. Suddenly the risk of an unpleasant taste pales in comparison to the thrill of becoming a mutant, and Calvin digs in.

That's a silly example, but it's an important theory to remember. When trying to convince someone to take a different stance on moral idea (like abortion), we cannot force them to just jump to the other side of the argument. We need to begin with the common ground (such as, babies are amazing creatures), and slowly move on from there.

So next time you're in a debate or having an ethical discussion, keep this theory in mind.

- L

Entry 9 - Converge Your Symbols

The faces of America's next reality TV stars:

"Hanna's Angels" Or "Desperate Best Friends"

Symbolic convergence can be described as "Two or more private symbol worlds inclined toward each other, come more closely together, or even overlap; group consciousness or cohesiveness."

My sister (A, also known as J) and best friend (M) and I have formed a group based on private symbols that draw us closer together. This theory is studied under the circumstances of making new friends, but I cannot recall a time when we were not close, because we have been together since we were babies. Even as a shy child, I don't remember having as much trouble making friends as I do now ( I wish it was the other way around, but even the quietest child is less ashamed of herself when she is young and unaware of judging eyes.) 

Our world has expanded through the years. Road trips and hours of playing with dolls and swimming and role playing have brought us close. And I believe that our personalities just "click." To the outside world, people see me blossom when I'm around M and A and are surprised to find me capable of anything clever and bold. But that's the real me. In our fantasy group, we are the embodiment of California; we are artists, we are models, we are nerds, we are heroines, we are mothers, we are sisters, we are free, and we are beautiful.

I find I only need a few close-knit relationships to survive, and I am happy to discover a relationship like that with my fiance. I know I will have someone to relate with every day of my life. Even still, I want to stay connected to my "LAM" group as much as possible because we have had such a large impact on each other's lives. It's hard to imagine being without them. I thank God for the communities He has given me. :)

- L

Entry 8 - Interactional View

Communication theorist, Paul Watzlawick 

looked "at dysfunctional patterns within families in order to gain insight into healthy communication.”

As the member of a family,  this theory resonates with me. Four different people living together under one roof for 18 plus years have to find a pattern of survival with each other. Often times, it can be unhealthy. As one of the family members struggles, the other members feel the painful tug. We are all connected.

The theory explains the roles family members play, and these roles are often switched around. Using my family as an example:

One with the problem - Lilia, Jo, Dad
Enabler - Dad, Lilia
Deny-er - Dad, Jo
Hero - Mom

Most of the time, Mom has to remain the hero and pulls the family back into balance. No wonder being a mother is a hard job! I deeply admire her for that.

At an early age, I discovered that, between my sister and I, there always had to be one of us in the "bad guy" role. When I was the rebellious kid, she was the obedient kid; when she was the misbehaved girl, I was the well-behaved girl. It was not until we were teenagers that this cycle subsided. Even as a child, I understood the reason to be jealousy. One of us does well and is praised, so the other feels inadequate and snatches her parent's attention in a negative, but effective, way. Lovely.

Through the years, God has taught each of us how handle one another in love and to operate as a healthier family unit. We still have loose ends, but I find that I have grown so accustomed to our dysfunctions that I find it easier to deal with temperamental people like us rather than with sensitive people. 

Entry 7 - Relational Dialectics

 As Calvin and Susie illustrate, every relationship undergoes some form of disagreement. For these two it happens often,  due to Calvin's girls-have-cooties-and-are-stupid attitude and Susie's nice-girl-pushed-to-pranking-the-annoying-boy responses. Yet despite their differences these two are often featured in Bill Watterson's comics. Why? Because their constant pull in opposing directions is what makes their unconventional friendship strong. And they create some good laughs!

One thing my fiance and I having difficulty agreeing on is what many other couples often debate on - finances! After being spoiled as a child, I am still in the process of learning the value of money, and I believe in occasional splurging as a treat (especially on clothes! Can't wear the same shirt for 5 months!), while he has always been tight-budgeted and still wears clothes from his middle school days.

However, we have found that our different views on finances help balance each other out and give us both a well-rounded perception. I have learned to pull the reigns on my spending and he has started to up his living standard (and his wardrobe count!) occasionally. We have also discovered that our arguments leave us with a stronger relationship after they have been resolved. With God's help, the opposite pulls between us end up pulling us closer together.

So whether it's teasing or finances, I hope each one of you remembers to look at the good that comes from the differences in your relationships.

Entry 6 - Processing Your Social Info

"Shoulda had a V8!"

"There, there."

"O hai :3"

I guess these could be called "first dates" for my fiance and I.
We met online December of 2009 on Facebook by recommendation of my sister who knew him as a Christian from deviantArt. We moved most of our conversing to MSN instant messaging and playing Super Smash Bros Brawl online. Yeah, our kind of story causes skepticism to some listeners, but the medium of how we met was not what made us fall in love - it was because of our personalities and God's evident hand upon our relationship. As I often say, "It's not where you are, it's who you are."

That is one reason why I decided to present the Social Information Processing Theory of Joseph Walther to my COM300 class (the other reason was I really wanted to use that Peter Tork clip from Monkee VS Machine!) As Walther claimed, opposed to popular CMC (Computer Mediated Communication) studies of the early 90s, the internet can be used for more than academics and work, but for relationships as well. His theory's name has an acronym that supports the main idea - SIP. Like sipping a drink through a straw takes longer than taking big gulps, such is the flow of information about someone when discovered online rather than in person. 

In our case, CMC was just what my fiance and I needed to start off.  First, we are both shy people who are often labeled as socially awkward because our introverted personalities leave us at a loss for in-the-moment words. Talk to us 30 minutes later and we know just what to say! But through writing, we are geniuses! Even before we met we both believed CMC opened the window to our souls. Second, I was sixteen going on seventeen ♫ and he had just turned 22. I had a year and a half of highschool to go and he was finishing his bachelor's degree. It would have been harder for us to wait to get engaged if our relationship was able to progress at an in-person pace, yet it was necessary for us to wait.Third, we lived in different states so even if we had by some miracle met in person our separation would have been hard without being able to chat or Skype (now we are blessed to live in the same state.)

We felt like using the SIP theory made us able to learn and appreciate all sides of our personalities. They all have a different flair in chat, in text, on webcam, over the phone, and in person, but they still are the same. We accessed different areas of our brains as we found ways to pick up emotional cues with or without non-verbals. Today Daniel and I  prefer in-person communication, but still enjoy taking an occasional trip down memory  lane online.

* Screenshots taken by Daniel and I of The Legend of Zelda's Link and Zelda on that wonderful Wii game, Super Smash Bros Brawl. Nintendo owns The Legend of Zelda, the Wii, and Super Smash Bros Brawl.

Entry 5 - Violate Expectations

Not what you expected, right? But it brings a good laugh. Bonus points to Flo the Progressive Girl!

The Expectancy Violations Theory says that "psychological arousal occurs when people's expectations for communication are violated, thus giving the communicator a greater impact." This is what makes comedians and commercials stand out. 

But maybe comedians are too predictable? You watch their shows with the intent of laughing your face off. Someone quiet doing something outgoing is more of an expectancy violation, isn't it? However, despite their quirky reputations, comedians still find ways to startle us, and that's what keeps us laughing.

As our class presents to each other the different communication theories from our textbook, we try to employ this theory to some extent to leave a stronger impact. Lindsay brought in tape measures for us to discover comfortable conversation distances and Dylan broke the fill-in-the-blank mold by printing us PowerPoint notes. Each of us inputted creativity to capture our audience's attention and make our presentations memorable. As Com Majors, this is a valuable tool for all of our speeches.

Entry 4 - Lilias Are Like Onions

The Social Penetration theory has been metaphorically referred to as an onion -– also used to describe everyone’s favorite green ogre, Shrek. It states that as relationships develop communication moves from shallow levels to deeper ones. 

I see this at work in all my relationships. I have a majority of outer layer relationships: people in my classes that I recognize but are below friendship status. I see them on campus and say hi, or we talk about homework, but our conversations do not go beyond the common courtesies you give grocery baggers.

I do have a few middle-level relationships: people I sit with and chat with before class and theater mates that weren'’t best friends, but still friends. Often these medium friendships die off with separation caused by a new semester and busy schedules. Many of these revive in the moments we have time to catch up, but they are stagnant, frozen in time until next contact, dying away slowly until a simple “Hi,” not even acknowledging the past relationship, is all that’ is communicated. I feel bad for those situations and am trying to become more intentional to keep the friendships alive for the brief moments they have.

My core friendships are with my fiancé, immediate family, relatives, and friends I would rank as besties. These people have found their way through my comfortably closed layers to get to know the real me, and vice-versa. Normally we share many things in common, including the bond of time. Time can be a relationship maker, or breaker. The bond my sister and our best friend Michelle have shared growing up together each summer since we were toddlers is one that I hope will remain timeless as we intentionally attempt to keep in touch, despite of life’s busyness.

Entry 3 - Coordinating My Management of Meaning

"Dream" by Chibionpu

Coordinated Management of Meaning says that "Persons in conversation co-construct their own social realities and are simultaneously shaped by the worlds they create."

The way I see the world has been influenced by conversations - conversations with family, friends, animals, books, movies, music, myself, and God. My view of reality is often skewed and is different with each relationship. 

With my father, I am left thinking that all men are proud and stubborn. It is a perception that has been hard to live with properly; I've taken on the unhealthy habits of complaining and disrespect. This social reality has seeped into my relationship with my fiance, even though he is very different from my father. 

With my sister and with our best friend, I see the world as a carefree place - full of beautiful sunny days with chilly mornings to soak in, lush vegetation to lose dolls in, and shopping malls to buy-out. It's a much more positive outlook, yet it can leave me with unrealistic expectations when the realities of school and budgets and hot, hot Arizona whack me in the face.

In Tangled, Rapunzel and Flynn create are at the beginning of their social reality, where "it's warm and real and bright." In the picture above, an artist portrays Rapunzel seeing the world as a marvelous place, despite the negative descriptions she received from Mother Gothel. Her conversation with nature and the lanterns gives her a hopeful outlook on a world she longs to be part of.

Our social realities are real to us and important to examine. There is nothing wrong with dreaming for a brighter world, but we should brace ourselves for impact so we can have endurance during life's darker times. Thankfully, truth and hope about reality are found in God.

Entry 2 - Symbolic Interactionism in My Life

"Meaning is rooted in language. Words spoken to us by others often define how we feel about ourselves." Symbolic Interactionism

Learning about symbolic interaction reminded me of how crucial it is to watch what I say. It illustrates Proverbs 18:2, "The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit." I stopped to think of how people have formed my self-opinion, and I saw how much I have influenced others. My sister who laughs at my jokes makes me feel clever, and grumpy cashiers leave me feeling like I am inadvertently rude. 

I'll use my fiance as an example. The picture above is one he edited and posted on an art site, describing how he felt his true self. Underneath he feels like the hero Link, and outwardly he acts like him. Link is the main character in the video game series the Legend of Zelda. He is brave and smart, but he never talks. 

People have influence both my fiance's inner and outer-selves. Friends online who sought his advice made him feel important and successful, while class mates who passed him by made him feel useless and broken. I can relate. On a deeper level, close relationships, including my relationship with him, have given him both positive and negative input. I love my fiance's creativity and openness in that picture, and this theory reminded me that I want to work on reinforcing his hero side and avoid furthering his "zero" side.

Entry 1 - My Favorite Song About Communication

My favorite song about communication is The Beatles' 

"We Can Work It Out." 

It is not simply my favorite because it was a childhood tradition to listen to The Beatles "1" CD on the Long and Winding Road to my grandparents' home in Eugene, Oregon - if that were the case "Hello Goodbye" would also qualify. I like it because it is about working hard to try to reach an agreement. Instead of just giving up, the couple tries to figure out how to communicate their ideas and find the best solution. Even as a child I appreciated the singer's willingness to keep the relationship alive. This is my favorite part:

We can work it out,
We can work it out.
Life is very short, and there's no time
For fussing and fighting, my friend.
I have always thought that it's a crime,
So I will ask you once again.

I like how the lyrics acknowledge life's brevity and the value of time's uses. I feel like it reflects me a lot - not that I do not prolong fights, because, sadly, with my defensive conflict style I do - but because I like to pick myself up from a disagreement and move on to priorities or fun. I was not aware of this side of me until I met my fiance and discovered that he is someone who needs a little extra time to get over things. Too often I have stepped on his need to press pause because I saw my need to press play as the only right need to have. This song reminds me that everyone has a different conflict resolution style so I should be patient and keep on working things out.